Well, the Lenten season has finally arrived. Yes, we know it is the time for repentance and remember Christ’s sacrifice for us mankind. But even though the Lenten season is supposed to be holy and solemn, it cannot escape humor.
- A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I then yelled, ‘Now, back off, or I’ll kick the carp out of all of you!’”
St. Peter was impressed. He leafed through the great book he held. “When did this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago. . . .”
- A Catholic man walks into a diner on the first Friday of Lent. He orders the fish plate. After the meal is finished, he pays the bill, but leaves no tip. He repeats this every Friday during Lent at the same diner. On the last Friday of Lent, the waitress finally asks the man “ Excuse me sir. You’ve been eating here every Friday, and not once did you leave me a tip. Didn’t I provide good service too you?” The man replies “The service you provided was excellent. But because it’s Lent, I had to give up something. So, I decided to give up tipping.”
- Sister Agnes, old and deaf, was pre-Vatican II but obediently gave in to orders that she wear the scandalous new habit where the headdress did not even cover her ears when she substituted at St. Francis de Sales School for Girls.
But she was too vain to wear her huge hearing aids. Today she was having each child shout what career she wanted. Little Suzy stood and announced, “I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!”
Sister Agnes screamed and kept screaming until the principal, Sister Blase, ran into the classroom.
“What in Heaven’s name . . .”
The old nun pointed a withered finger. “Did you hear what that child said?!?”
“No, Sister Agnes, and you didn’t hear her either without your hearing aids. Put them in now.”
Sister Agnes inserted the molds and tucked the appliances behind each ear. “Suzy,” she said, “tell Sister Blase what you told me.”
Suzy repeated proudly, “I want to be a prostitute.”
Sister Agnes suddenly hugged the little girl. “Oh, I’m so sorry, dear. I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant.”
A Baptist moved into a neighborhood largely populated by Catholic families. While on the whole, they got along well, one habit he had was to fire up the grill on Fridays and charbroil steaks. After several weeks of enduring this torture, the Catholic men got together and decided the only way to end this problem was to proselytize the offending neighbor and get him to convert. So, they did. At the following Easter Vigil, he was accepted into the Church. The Catholics breathed a sigh of relief as he was baptized, and intoned “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.” Fast forward to the following Lent. The message apparently didn’t get through, because the new convert fired up his grill and cooked steaks on Friday anyway! The indignant Catholic men rushed over to see what the heck, and they found him pouring water over the T-bones and chanting, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now, you are a fish!”
- Jewish couple had a son who was . . . well . . . a holy terror. By the time for his bar mitzvah, he’d been kicked out of every school they put him in. Desperate, the parents went to the rabbi for advice. The good rabbi stroked his beard and meditated. Finally, he told them to enroll the boy in Catholic school.
The shocked parents did as their rabbi directed and took their son to the nuns at St. Jude’s and left him.
After school, the son came home and said, “Good afternoon, Papa. Good afternoon, Mama.”
The young man went to the table and did on his homework. The parents looked at each other in amazement, afraid to speak. The mother wrung her hands and the father twisted his beard all the while their boy helped serve the evening meal, bowed his head for prayers of thanks, and even helped with the dishes.
No longer able to contain himself, the father asked, “We’re ever so grateful, my son, but what in Moses’s name did they do to you?”
“Papa, when you left, the nun took me from class to class all day, each time saying they knew how to deal with rowdy boys. Those Catholics mean business! They got some Jewish-looking guy nailed up on boards in every room!”